CottonBalls and RoseBushes: A HP Made for TV Drama
by cranberry-apples
Summary: A tense love triangle between Harry, Hermione and Draco. Be afraid, be very afraid. A response to all the stupid HP romance fanfics I've read and laughed at.


Cotton Balls and Rose Bushes: A Harry Potter Made for TV Drama Narrated by Dick Clark  
  
[A/N: something that looks like this: "the cat ran.the dog ran" is supposed to have an ellipsis in the middle but the stupid program wont do it. Cheers.]  
  
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters/locations/wizard terminology in the story are mine. Dick Clark is also not mine, although I wish he was.  
  
July, on 4 Privet drive.  
  
Rain pattered on the windowsill as Harry looked out his bedroom window. It was only a year ago he had been joyful and carefree, oblivious to the pain and torment that comes with passionate love. He often reflected on the past few months, months filled with jealousy, tears and angry words.  
  
It all began shortly after winter break at Hogwarts. [cue the flashback music]  
  
"Hey Harry!" called a familiar voice.  
  
Hermione's bushy brown hair flared out several inches from her very large head, that sometimes caused young children to suffocate if contact was made.  
  
"Hey." Harry loved the way her hair bushed out so largely. It made her head look not quite so big in comparison.  
  
"Have a good break?" she asked, her sewage-colored brown eyes sparkling. They were beautiful eyes, Harry thought, murky like very old stew broth. But unfortunately, they gazed in another direction as she talked to Harry.  
  
Harry turned around to see his arch-nemesis, Draco Malfoy, sitting several tables away. They had loathed each other since their first meeting in their first year. Conversations between them were much like those between Ice Man and Maverick in Top Gun, very tense, egotistical, and filled with very bad insults. It made Harry's blood chill just to think of his sweet, sweet revenge on the platinum-haired object of Hermione's affections.  
  
"Harry, why are you twitching like that?" Hermione asked. Harry jumped back to reality.  
  
"You never answered my question," she said.  
  
"Oh, sorry. Uh, it was, er, great. I guess."  
  
"I'm glad. Well I'm of to the library to study stuff that isn't assigned and that I will never need to know. Goodbye."  
  
*************************random point of view switch***********************  
  
Draco watched as Hermione exited the Great Hall. Gosh darn, her head was big. They had been exchanging curious glances for the past couple weeks in Snape's potion class. After all, Snape being the attractive man he was, there was quite an air of romance in that musty dungeon. Malfoy planned to corner Hermione about their feelings and possibly spawn a relationship. This would be his final revenge on that stupid Harry Potter child.he would take away Harry's most prized possession.and it would be easy to take her away as Draco did have the better hair. [evil cackling as the entire Great Hall stops to stare at Malfoy]  
  
*************************random point of view switch***********************  
  
Questions were buzzing through Hermione's mind as she exited the Great Hall. Why was Harry acting so oddly? What happened over Christmas break? And who was cackling evilly in the background? Life was getting increasingly complicated for her. With a newfound interest in Malfoy she found conversations with Harry very awkward. He was suspicious. What would he do if anything happened? How many people would end up fishing for clams with their tongues if he exploded in anger? Hermione didn't know what to think anymore. She then promptly ran smack into Draco Malfoy who apparently can run very very fast as Hermione was already in the Gryffindor common room.  
  
-------------excessively long commercial break as the audience waits in suspense------------  
  
[very stupid dialogue ensues]  
  
"Hi Hermione," said Draco in a squeaky voice.  
  
"Hi Draco."  
  
"Hermione, I have loved you ever since that day in our second year when Ron started belching slugs. It's been bottled up inside me since but I just can't hold it in anymore. My passionate love for you bubbles in my heart and I need desperately to hold you and love you, Hermione Granger."  
  
"Neat."  
  
"Wanna kiss?"  
  
"OK."  
  
[kiss]  
  
[In the background Harry appears]  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  
  
"Harry I can explain!" Hermione said.  
  
"There's nothing to explain, Mione," Draco said calmly.  
  
"I hate you Malfoy!"  
  
"You are stupid PPPotter!"  
  
"Well you are a bad Quitchdiditch player!"  
  
"My hair is better!"  
  
"NOW you are in for it!"  
  
[long wizard's duel ensues in which Harry comes out looking more like that of Adolf Hitler than a 14 year old boy and Malfoy keeps asking where Voldemort is keeping the minced salmon]  
  
A day later in the hospital wing.  
  
Hermione, who is reading, suddenly decides to speak.  
  
"Guys, we have got to get this worked out. We only have 4 minutes and 25 seconds until the next commercial break and you know how those advertisers get if they lose air time."  
  
Harry looked wistfully out the window. All he wanted was for Hermione to be happy.actually all he really cared about was himself but that would detract from the romanticism of the story and reduce our demographics to moldy old male-bashing women.  
  
So anyway. Draco made the first move.  
  
"Herm, I think this should be your decision. Pick the man you want.the dashingly attractive object of your affections.or him."  
  
[A pause in which we faintly hear Tom Jones music being played in the background]  
  
"Harry," Hermione said, "I think its time you know."  
  
[More pausing and Tom Jones]  
  
[Pause continues awkwardly as we see Snape dancing by the window in the drag]  
  
"I forgot what I was going to say. Something about your parents still being alive.whatever anyways I choose Draco. He has better hair." [cue the "flashing back from the flashback" flashback music]  
  
July, 4 Privet Drive.  
  
Harry can still remember Malfoy's evil cackle to this day. But there was no time to wallow in self-pity. Voldemort had to be defeated, the "I"s dotted and "t"s crossed, and he really had to remember to buy a muumuu so he could tap dance for Aunt Petunia's next Book Club meeting. 


End file.
